Food for thought

People see you with a cane and you're going to get the same questions asked every single time. At first you try to be creative with how you answer each individual. Eventually, the creativity wears out and you end up on a script. Nothing you say is original any longer. Everything is standard and unimportant. 

I'm kind of tired of this standard life. 

What I've been wanting to say for so long is so much more than what I have said previously. What I've been wanting to say is something I didn't feel safe to admit until now. What I want to say is a surprise to everyone; it's not expected and it's not anticipated. You're not going to hear a standard, "The only way I get through anything is because of the atonement of Christ." Yes, that is true, but let me take it to another level.

While I never planned it out and clearly never went through with it, there was a point in this whole experience that I contemplated taking my life. Before you act all surprised, let me talk you through some key points and ask some questions. What is the longest amount of time you have been in pain? How much pain was it in? Did it last a month, three, eight, a year, ten, more? What did people say to you while you were in pain? How was your living situation at the time? What did doctors say? Did doctors know how to help you? How much of you is left at the end of the day?

This pain has been going on for eight months, nine this May. The pain is so severe, I think about amputation regularly. People have told me the pain is all in my head and I need to just think "mind over matter." I lived in a new place with new people of which I did not know very well. Not a single doctor has known how to help me. There is nothing left at the end of the day. I'm lucky if there's something left at three in the afternoon.

Knowing this sure does take away the shock. One night, I truly contemplated it. I really, really thought about it. So how did I take that thought away? It wasn't from thinking about all those who have passed on before me by their own hand or not. It wasn't from thinking, "Wow, I should really stay." It was, indeed, from the atonement. Now for a step further, talking to mom until one in the morning. That's how I got out of it. Sure, I still dealt with it, and occasionally I think about it again. But then I go back to thinking about my mom. 

Nothing I say can convince someone to stay their hand and convince them of anything. But let me say this: This life is anything but easy. Everything about this life is a trial. We feel entirely alone and we feel as though there is no escape. There is Someone there to take us out of this hole we feel lost in. There is Someone there to carry us through absolutely everything. There's another person to guide us to that Someone. We don't go through life alone. We don't suffer in vain. This pain ends when we don't. This pain is eradicated when we aren't. So stay your hand. Talk to someone, and that someone can lead you to the Someone we need. For me, that person was my mom. I thank her everyday.