War on Peace

Shopping malls, marathons, business buildings, schools. All these places, among many others, have been locations of mass chaos brought on not by nature but by human beings. Humans kill more humans than sharks do every year. Where does this cruelty come from? Aren't we all taught to be kind, to treat others how we wish to be treated? Don't we already experience enough heartache in life without wreaking havoc? It would make sense, right?

It seems that as long as mankind have been on this planet, that it is not the case. We have it recorded in The Bible that Cain killed Abel out of, what was it? Envy? Pride? That is the first recorded moment where another person killed one of their own species out of cold blood. Since then, there have been an incomprehensible amount of cruelties but not enough valid reasons to treat another being as such. We read about this in our storybooks, our scriptures, our history books. This has been our lives as we know it. Have we ever truly known a peaceful time? Has there ever been a point where we felt safe enough to raise children? 

As long as I have known it, we have been fighting The War on Terror. This is our side. We want to end the tortures and the broken hearts. It feels like we are fighting a losing battle because once we stop one attack, another begins. It feels as though the winning sight is fighting The War on Peace.

Just a day or so ago, France experienced a villainous display of terrorism across their country with suicide bombings and shootings, a myriad of destruction. War was declared to bring to pass justice. But how does that make sense? To fight disaster with more disaster. How does that bring peace? Maybe the two cancel each other out and peace is found, such was the case in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

There has to be something to stop this disaster from happening again. It isn't going to be to restrict gun control. All that would do is prevent honest citizens from protecting themselves from treacherous situations. It isn't going to be stopped by increasing security everywhere. If someone was to destroy other's lives, it will take a lot more than security guards to stop them from their end goal.

What is our solution? We can't turn away and say that it never happened. How, then, would we learn? How could anything become accomplished? If we admit that an event didn't happen, we wouldn't progress towards safety. That would be ignorance and ignorance does not accomplish anything. What are your ideas? How can we keep each other safe? How can we "end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to"?

I want to create a solution. I want to create peace. I want to do so much because the displays we have seen in the last few days have been horrifying. One individual heard a terrorist state that their desire would be to make others afraid of even going to the market. It is a War on Peace. It is a War on Security, on Safety, on Kindness, on Hope. While I do not have a solution, I can empathize with my people in France, I am reminded of a song that I know you must be feeling in your hearts:

Do you hear the people sing, singing the song of angry men? It is the music of the people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echos the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes. Will you join in our Crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me, somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see? Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free.

Love is a Lie

Photo by Jane P

This is me. I'm normally happy, optimistic, glass-half-full. However, lately, I felt that part of me sucked away. For those of you who have seen the new Disney film Inside Out, I felt like Riley when she started not feeling so happy anymore; I felt like there wasn't any reason for me to feel like this feeling, especially since I never feel a constant gloom. I knew and still know that I really do not like my job, but that's not a reason to constantly feel sad. I feel completely crushed that I cannot afford school this fall, but I know I'm going to school in January. Sure, I lost a friend or two a little bit ago, but I know things will be okay. I have a habit of bouncing back.  I have always known I'm resilient, but during this time, I thought I was only doing it out of plain habit. For some reason, I wasn't bouncing. I was staying firm on the ground.

Two days ago I had created this post. It was a post that stated something I had never believed, something I knew to be false; however, over the last few weeks something must have snapped because I convinced myself it was true. I had convinced myself that love was a myth. With the world having so much evil in it, how could a silly concept like love exist? I had convinced myself that marriage was a legend and good dates were a bed time story we would read to children to keep them optimistic for just a little longer. Honestly, having approximately 7 billion people on the earth, what is the honest likelihood that everyone will find "their person?" I was 87% sure that everyone bought their way into getting married and 76% certain that everyone with a good date was deluding themselves. I created little reasons why this thought process was logical. 

I was wrong. So very wrong.

If there is anything I believe in, I believe in love. I am constantly in love with love. Love is something that pushes me forward, keeps me hoping, helps me to forgive, and keeps me strong. Aside from my complete faith in the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it truly is one of the few concepts that I can't not believe in.

So what snapped? What happened that would create such a break in who I am? I believe it had something to do with being happy. It can be seen in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs that in order to achieve that happy feeling, that peace, one must first achieve physiological needs: food, sleep, breathing, etc. The next level is with regards to safety. Due to the last few week's events, I haven't felt safe. I have been getting whiplash trying to look over my shoulder. It wasn't with therapy that I achieved a sense of safety again. It wasn't with the repeating phrase, "he isn't here; I'm safe." I found my safety in the temple.

It is a running joke of mine that in the case of a natural disaster or a zombie apocalypse, the place I will go for safety is the temple. Prior to attending, I beckoned to my friends on the social media without a single bite; I had almost resolved to stay home. That resolve was not absolute because I went. As I sat in the baptistry, I realized that I wasn't scanning everyone's faces to guarantee that they weren't going to hurt me. I didn't feel the weight leaving my shoulders; it took nearly 45 minutes to realize that the suffocating weight was gone. Logically, I should have been scared to leave the temple. Why would I want to leave the place that has provided more safety than I have known in quite some time? As I left the House of the Lord, there was a sense of promise in the air that said, "There's more where this came from." The peace stayed as I went to my car and I spent the rest day doing things I love: spending time with Alexa, having my makeup done by my Macy's people, and finally attending a reception for my roommate; all of which cannot exist without love. Love is a fact.

Finally, joy came home.

Take no for an answer

It has been two weeks since I went through a very scary thing in my life. To maintain mystery, I will be blunt. It has proven to startle people and leave them wondering even more. To preface this post, I will do a small back story.

There I was someone I knew many years ago and I considered him a friend. He turned out to be controlling and I burned my bridges. Years later, I figure that he has probably changed and he was a good friend once. Why not give a second chance. It was a bumpy reunion but it smoothed out a little. Then the scary thing happened. I found myself being controlled, harassed, stalked, and attacked. After the fact, I realized I wasn't safe anymore; this boy had taken away all my safe places. 

Meg from Hercules can be found saying, "You know how men are. They think no means yes and get lost means take me, I'm yours." I never thought the Disney character I would relate to most would be her.

While the event of the scary thing is over, there are aftershocks and residue coating my life in a thick film that is paralyzing and blinding. Since I have told my family what happened, it has been very interesting and horrifying to see how they cope with the situation. This is a situation that is alien to them; they have never had to deal with something like this before, so it can be partially forgiven that they would fall into the idea of "rape culture." 

The idea of rape culture is the victim was doing something to "ask for it," whether it be by the clothes one wears, inviting someone inside the house, or saying, "hey, have sex with me." (Remember that if someone says, "hey, have sex with me," it isn't rape because it was consented.) Rape is popularly explained as any unwanted sexual activity, not just sexual intercourse. While I consider myself blessed to not have been forced to have such an event happen to me, what happened was leading up to that.

Believe me; I wasn't asking for it. I wasn't asking for it when I asked him to be my friend and just my friend. I wasn't asking for it when I told him I wouldn't date him. I wasn't asking for it when I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone. I wasn't asking for it when I told him to stop. I wasn't asking for it when I ran away from him. I wasn't asking for it.

Also, as a disclaimer, this event doesn't just happen to women. Men are victims, silent victims.

Think of it this way:

You're sitting at a dinner table and you have a big bowl of jello in front of you. You love jello. You see someone and think, "Hey, they probably want jello." You ask and they say "no." You could oblige and not hand them the jello because, you know, they didn't want it. But you really want them to have jello so you throw the bowl at them and now there is jello everywhere because you couldn't take no for an answer. Everyone at the table is now saying, "That person had an empty plate. The person needed jello; that person was practically asking for it." or saying "that person has hands. They should have expected that to happen and just caught the jello."

They didn't want the jello. They weren't asking for it. We live in a time where the excuse is the victim and not the one who commits the crime. If we want the world to be a better place, I suggest we start by having everyone own up to their actions. As Wesley from The Princess Bride said, "We are men of action. Lies to not become us."

College Year I: On roommates, friends, family, and relationships

The stories mentioned are stories seen from my own, personal perspective. It does not make the story 100 percent true from all eyes, it makes the story 100 percent true from my eyes. If there is anything in these stories that bother you, keep it to yourself. The author doesn't want to hear your thoughts on how you think the story happened. She's too busy. In the meantime, remember that history isn't written by both sides.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." -Robin Williams

On roommates:

My school year started off similar to the school year in the hit Broadway musical Wicked. "There's been some confusion over rooming here in Shiz..."

I have a theory that the first set of roommates one has is a hit and miss. The initial roommates are the guinea pigs for the next set of roommates until there are no more roommates to be had. It is those initial roommates that have the hardest time with each other. Like many, many others, this holds true for me.
Growing up, we live with our families so we know how to live with them. We know their quirks and how to have a pleasant day with those we live with. It's habit that often gets us through the day, until one day, we are plopped down into a new family that is foreign, strange, and downright terrifying. 
I was so excited to have roommates. When things didn't turn out the way I had pictured, I felt blood-chilling fear. I no longer felt safe to do homework at my own apartment, so I did it out in the hall or in the balcony. I stayed out of the apartment as much as possible because I did not feel welcome. There is no such thing as the perfect roommate; I definitely wasn't even close. However, there is a difference between not being a good roommate by way of natural happenings and by purposefully surrounding an individual with their alone-ness. Now would be a good time to state that what happened my first semester between the roommates and I came entirely from my perspective. What they saw was their own perspective. Neither are perfect. Anyway, I was surrounded by my alone-ness. Yes, I should have done something about it sooner and I didn't. I didn't give up trying to be a good roommate. When the next semester came along, my health only got worse, so I moved to an apartment on a lower floor with new roommates. I realize now, a major contributing factor to the contention was contrasting personalities.
And wow, what a change. The personalities between me and my roommates did not bump elbows, but compliment each other. I felt safe to do homework at home. I did not have to create new walls everyday to be torn down. My new roommates and I would stay up for hours having discussions about things like politics, religion, music, art, movies, etc, etc, etc. The alone-ness I had, evaporated.

On Friends:

I have never planned school schedules or college ideas around friends. Quite frankly, I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not afraid of going it alone. It has been amazing to see the friends I have developed in this year alone.
I became closer friends to Hannah Waters. We went to PGHS together and were in the same graduating class. She was there for the break ups, birthdays, and misc. celebrations. I also made brand new friends I will not soon forget.
At some points, I feel upset and frustrated that older friends have not reached out to me as I have reached out to them. It's nice to have old friends, but sometimes, new friends are extraordinarily necessary. We need friends that can be physically present through certain life events, college being of those such events.

On Family:

Just because you move out, doesn't mean you stop talking to your family. 'nuff said. Since I have moved out, I talk with my family more-even more than when I was home.

On Relationships

Don't turn a blind eye. Just because you have feelings for someone, that does not mean you disregard that even stronger feeling to walk away and never look back. In fact, if that feeling ever does occur, I would definitely recommend following it: walking away and never looking back. You won't regret it.
Never love someone who limits you. I was hanging out at a beau's apartment and I was goofing around, not trying to sing well because I was being silly. He, then, told me I should stop trying and leave the singing too him. He was entirely serious. I never sang around him again-not even during church. If someone cannot enjoy the laughs and giggles, they do not get the incredible pleasure of knowing who you are when you are your most you and vice versa. When you are serious, focused, dedicated, honest, hard-knuckles-on-cold-ground self. That part is what really matters.
Do not justify. It is your birthday. If they are having an awful day, they need to suck it up until the end of the day because it is your birthday and you don't want to have to cry on your birthday. If they will not take you on a date, do not just think "well, they would if they had the money." Having money isn't a prerequisite for dates. Some of the most fun I've had, involved no money (it helps that this year I was pretty poor).
The moment you start to wonder if you should be with someone, is the moment you know you shouldn't. Olivia Petty once told me that I shouldn't be in a relationship where I have to re-evaluate the relationship every weekend. She was right. No one should be in that position.

The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to not be alone, but being with people that make them feel entirely alone. That goes for roommates, friends, family, and relationships. Not only can the alone-ness happen to us, it happens those we interact with. Don't be someone that makes someone feel entirely, utterly, and seemingly irreversibly alone. Acknowledging that alone-ness is step one. Step two is not to complain about it, but do something about it. Others may make us feel alone, but it is us who choose to stay there.

College Year I: on classes, exams, etc

Against all hope and with all surprise, I made it through one year at a university. I thought it might be a good idea to organize all my thoughts about this last year and what I have learned; what better way to organize than write? This is part I in a series. If there's a specific topic that one would like me to touch on, please place your wishes in the comment box below.

velociraptor from jurassic park
found on the google

On Classes, Exams, Etc

Rocky Balboa said, "You know, I think you try harder when you're scared." That could not be more correct. The first semester, I was walking around campus like Bambi: wide-eyed and terrified. This was the beginning of realizing how large the world could be, so I was cautious but made every effort to be excellent in all my classes. 

I had a class that was a 1330 level and it was anticipated that I would struggle greatly due to the difficultly level that was to be anticipated. I aced that class. Another class was a 1010 level. I got an 84%; to this day, I am proud of that score, but I wonder if I was a little more scared, I would have tried harder. A lot of times, we don't even need fear as a motivator. We just need to be willing to put forth the effort to be great.

I have always known I am not the greatest test taker on the planet, but I also know that I am not the worst. Exams, tests, and quizzes look to other people like a ravenous velociraptor, ready to demolish anything that got between them and their food: the test taker. I could not be more apathetic with tests. I am not scared of this velociraptor, or rather, this fossil that stands in my way. Sure I could dig up every single fossil I can to bring back remnants of the velociraptor that would have been had it not been for the asteroid/aliens/Adam and Eve/Reader's Choice. But why do that, when I could go to a museum and appreciate from afar? I don't see the reasoning; however, I know what hangs over my head: a transcript that could determine my future schooling. I guess I should start being a little more scared and work a little harder.