i love us

Have you ever been in love?
I was tending to the flowers my home teachers gave me for Valentine's Day when my roommate asks me this deeply personal question. After deep reflection and a quick mental screening of (500) Days of Summer, I said no.

(Side note, I have a testimony of (500) Days of Summer. I trust this movie and it has given me every bit of knowledge I will ever need when it comes to dating. I promise this will answer all questions to all problems. Promise.)

Still from (500) Days of Summer. Shared interests does not
soulmates make.

Loving someone is a choice. You choose to love someone; you choose to stay with them. With 7 billion people on this earth and counting, it's not reasonable to believe in a soulmate. In the end, you just pick the person you hate the least. It's not technically settling, but it's deciding to stay with the one person. 

But being in love? That takes two. I can love my cat (I definitely do) and I can love my plants. I can love my family and I can love my car and coworkers. But being in love? You have to love them and they have to love you. Unrequited love is only love; it's not being in love. I've never had anyone love me or love me long enough or truly love me at all. And I'm okay with it.
It's not just because I am used to it or that I've had my heart broken enough to swear off trying. I'm not trying to prove a point to the family members who make it a point to make you feel less.

   "Are you going on a mission???"
   "No, it's not in His plan for me."
   "So, are you getting married???"

Still from (500) Days of Summer.

Side note. You are not less just because you take your sweet time in settling down. You are enough without immediately finding someone who actually likes you. I promise you are doing just fine.

Now before you say, "Oh, you're so young! Don't even worry about getting married. Just live your life! You're so young!" Age has nothing to do with it. Remember the culture I live in. Most of my friends are married and they're younger than me. I've never tasted love. I'm not the girl men choose. I'm not the girl they love. For all I know, love doesn't exist. It's just a fantasy.

I'm okay with not having love yet. There are days when this is harder to swallow than others. I have to scream to myself "there's a lid to every pot." This time, right now, is the only chance I'll have to entirely focus on myself to ensure I am my best person. I have every chance to become the person I want to be. I have been able to discover and improve talents. I can travel the world without the expense of paying for another person. When the lucky fella comes along, I'll actually be ready. I won't be the mess I once was. I'll be strong alone.

Still from  (500) Days of Summer.
I don't want to regret getting married after
getting married.

My biggest fear is forcing love. I am terrified of setting so quick that I end up marrying someone I don't truly love. This is a nightmare I have once every few months. I get married in a dress I hate to someone I don't love. I normally get married due to the pressure of those around me. I don't get married in the temple. The last time I had this nightmare, the ring ceremony happened right after the administration of the sacrament and between testimony meeting. So trust me when I say, I will take my sweet time to grow into love and continue to be empowered and strong without him.

My favorite example of this that I tell to those who are going through relationship struggles and just want to be around their SigOth always but the SigOth just wants some space, is from Grey's Anatomy.

McDreamy is heartbroken had just had a rough season and he says to Meredith,
"I can't live without you."
            "I can live without you, but I don't want to. I don't want to ever have to."

Same, Meredith.

Still from (500) Days of Summer. We all have our own
Ringo Starrs.

This time I have to be alone and be single is my chance to make sure I will always be okay when I am alone. When the times comes around, I'll find the guy (he's probably stuck in a tree or something) and be strong even when he isn't around.

The tricky part about him showing up as I keep growing up and become solidified in who I am, the person I need in my life is semi-specific. He needs to have the same goals in the church that I do. Getting married in the temple and raising a family centered on Christ is one of the most important things to me. He needs to be able to run with me on my crazy ideas and roll with me as I deal with stuff. He needs to be able to handle watching awful movies. I love them because everyone else hates them. Sharknado? One of my favorite films. He needs to be kind and has to be strong by himself as well. I can't raise an adult. He needs to love me. That matters, I guess.

So have I ever been in love? I'm in love with the love I'll get to have. I'm in love with the chances I get to take in the meantime. By the time he shows up, I'll be ready. I've been ready. We are going to have some stories to tell.